I blinked.
And you know what that means.
Yep: The year’s nearly over and it’s time for the holiday post.
Open AI’s ChatGPT might be poised to take over blogging as we know it, but here’s something it can’t do: Pick the real winners on my tree.
Yeah, it could try. But it would probably pick the ones that suck.
I hope I’m right about that. These bots are getting really good, though.
So good that Reuters says they could someday make lawyers obsolete. Perhaps judges are next. Then tree-ornament judges.
That’s it. We’re all doomed.
In honor of bot invasions and these festive times, let’s take a human-crafted look at the 10 most fabulous ornaments on my tree, in random order.
Kindergarten Lisa
She has fierce pigtails and wants all the candy.
She never stopped loving candy.
Little does Kindergarten Lisa know that she’ll have a dental emergency in October 2022 due to a Tootsie Roll misadventure.
Psychedelic Snowthing
When preschool Pearl used eye stickers for the eyes and the smile on her project.
Result: A face only Timothy Leary could love.
Even if I hated Psychedelic Snowthing, there’s no parting with it. To do so would be a parental-code violation: Any ornament your kid makes must go on the tree forever or until it deteriorates.
No exceptions.
Abstract Snowthing
Séamus participated in the same preschool project — but strictly out of obligation.
Art’s never been of much interest to him.
Parental code, folks.
Freaky Skull
Another masterpiece by Séamus.
Nope, not another preschool project — this treasure was born just a few weeks ago in fourth-grade art class.
At least he used more than one color.
If Disney’s “Coco” and Stephen King’s “Carrie” had a baby and placed it in a tree, this is it.
Merford
I wasn’t exactly honest about Merford when he first joined our tree.
Now, the twins have reached the age where they see through my ruse.
We look upon Merford’s choices as a cautionary tale: Too much ketchup and cannoli, and you, too, could end up spending eternity in a tree.
Kudos to the real Rob Halford, who’s been sober for decades — next month, he hits 37 years.
Nostalgic Whale
For some reason, I’m a total sucker for this thing.
Every year we pull it out of the ornament box, my eyes well with tears of joy.
Why? No clue.
Memaw’s Angel
After my grandmother, Martha, died a few months ago, we received some of her tree ornaments.
This one has my heart.
Welcome to the tree, Memaw’s Angel — we’ll take good care of you.
Coronornament
Some holiday visitors find Coronornament to be in poor taste.
A 2022 study showed that those who found humor in the lockdown fared better emotionally than their grumpy-ass peers.
Touché, crabs.
Elvis
Blue Christmas?
If it involves capes and sparkly jumpsuits, then bring those blues on.
The jumpsuit years weren’t kind to Elvis.
As a rule, we keep him and Merford apart — otherwise, things get messy.
Night Monstercorn
I don’t even know what to say.
Um.
Yeah.
No holiday post here would be complete without the latest picture of the twins, Pearl and Séamus (age 10), with Santa.
They’ve come a long way since the terror of 2014.
And this might be their last Santa photo…
They say they’re not sure if they’ll be up for it next year.
We’ll see about that.
Annual reminder: As December 31 approaches, be sure to check the cringey “Happy New Years” Twitter thread that breaks my grammar-lovin’ heart every single year.
If I find one of your tweets there, we’re through.
Happy holidays to all!
Come Correct: The Blog 
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